How do we navigate friendships and connections in midlife?
How do we navigate friendships and connections in midlife?
The first time I became curious about this was in my mid-40s. I looked around and wondered where had all my friends gone. I hear this so often with my clients and other women. We crave connection, but how do we get it?
Being a social person and having connections is one of my top values, I need to have women I feel connected to in my life. I began to realize that some of my friendships had changed or gone away completely. I didn’t always know why, but as we grew apart, I always respected the history we had even though the future of the relationships no longer existed.
So now what? How do I make new friends?
The first time I was faced with asking a woman on a ‘date’. I met her at a women’s retreat, and we connected on many different levels. The retreat ended and everyone went back to their lives.
What’s next?
We became Facebook friends and liked and commented on each other’s posts.
Was this the extent of what our ‘friendship’ would be?
I wanted more!🙏💖
I wanted deep intimate connections and conversations.💖 I want to go out for dinner and drinks and laugh until our stomachs hurt. I wanted someone to talk to when things get hard and someone to share my wins with.
So, how do I ask her out?
What if she says no?
What if she says yes?
What if we don’t have anything in common?
What will we talk about?
There was an event coming up and I knew she had the same interest in it as I had, so I thought about asking her.
“How do I do this?”😨
“What will she think of me?”😱
The answer is a definite ‘No’ if you don’t ask.
So, I took a deep breath and sent the message. I tried to play it cool.
“Hey if you are interested, I was thinking of going to the event this weekend and if you want to come, let me know.”
I hit send then waited.😰
Maybe she didn’t like me as much as I thought when we met. Maybe she would think I was too forward. Then the response came.
“Sure!”😌
And that was the beginning of our friendship. I look back at the evolution of our friendship since that first date' from our shared experiences to witnessing her meeting her husband and then deepening the relationship as two couples.
I realized you can make friends at any age if you are willing to be vulnerable and put in the work.
Over the years I have asked other women out on ‘dates’ Some have said yes, some have not responded, but it never stops me from asking.
To be in relationships, vulnerability is key. It is needed for introspection and having the ability to openly discuss our needs.
I believe all relationships take work and the work starts with self. Whether it is friendships, family, intimate partner relationships, or business relationships…. There is commitment, vulnerability, and communication needed for all connections with other humans and both participants have to be committed to the growth of the relationship.
It takes time and patience, along with a willingness to be vulnerable. We cannot be in a relationship with others if we are not first in a relationship with ourselves.
Are you in a relationship with yourself?
Are you connected to yourself first, before being connected to others?
Do you practice self-love and self-care?
Do you treat yourself as good as, or better than you treat others?
Are you willing to always look at your response first?
Do you have healthy boundaries?
Often, relationships end because it is too uncomfortable to have hard conversations and it is easy to blame the other person or just let it go away. To truly be in a relationship we need the ability to look inward at our response to the situation and our responsibility in the relationship. I often hear from clients that the relationship just ended because they just drifted apart. I am often curious how often they were willing to be vulnerable and ask for what they needed in that relationship. How often did they share what they were feeling?
Recently I was asked on a ‘date’ by two different women and it felt great to be asked and fun to get to know them. I also recently asked a couple of women to dinner. At times it still feels a little uncomfortable, but I realize I cannot develop deeper relationships if I am not willing to start with the first step.
If it feels uncomfortable or scary to reach out, look inward and ask yourself the following questions:
What do I want here?
What is stopping me?
What is the worst thing that could happen?
What is the best thing that could happen?
Relationships are essential for our spiritual and personal growth. We learn so much about ourselves from the people we surround ourselves with. Everyone that we surround ourselves with is a mirror to different parts of ourselves. Some of those parts are areas that we need to heal within ourselves, and others are a reminder of what an amazing humans we are.
Are you willing to see both?
When admiring others and seeing their greatness, this is an invitation to look inside of you and honor that part of you. We cannot see anything in anyone else that is not within us. Often, we find it hard to accept how amazing we are. The more that you can accept how amazing you are, the more you will attract that in others around you.🙏💖🙏
When we think about relationships with others, it is important to look at the thoughts we have about ourselves and how we treat ourselves. This is a direct reflection of the relationships that we are attracting to ourselves.
Are you someone that you want to be in a relationship with?
If yes, YAY! Go get more of that!
If not, let's talk and see what needs to shift!
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